Healing our hurts . . .

Today, I was dealt a very personal blow in a very professional setting.  As I have said before, I will not go into details about cases and work, so I will attempt to get this out the best I can without revealing too much.

Trial was set for today in a very hotly contested custody matter.  As with any case involving children, emotions have been high, as well as tension.  While on the way to court I am sent a notice that the other side of the case posted something very personal about me on Facebook.  The post stated something to the effect that since I was trying to help take the children away from this parent, God was punishing me by not allowing me to have my own children, causing the miscarriages I have had.  This person called out to their Facebook audience to pray for me and that I needed forgiveness.

While I did my best to maintain my composure, on the inside, my heart broke.  As an attorney and a person who deals with the public, I have a thick skin.  I expect opposing sides of a case not to like me, to call me names, and even be angry and hold some sort of grudge.  Such is the adversarial nature of my profession.  As a municipal judge, I issue rulings that people are most often not happy with.  I could not do these things if I was not confident in my decisions and prepared to stand behind them.  In short, I am prepared for a certain amount of resistance, negativity, and scrutiny.  But in seven years of practicing law, I have never had someone hit this low.

The thing that should be noted about this specific matter is that my client was not trying to prevent the other parent from seeing, having access to, or being involved with the children.  I don't feel comfortable saying too much more, but I can assure you this was not your typical custody battle.

As I thought about the hurtful words, meant to burn and sting, I felt the presence of the Holy Spirit wash over me.  My God was saying to me "Child, you are loved.  You have  done nothing wrong in this situation or to cause a miscarriage of previous pregnancies.  I have wonderful and amazing plans for you.  Trust in My timing. You know Me and the love and protection I surround you with.  Don't let the hurt of others destroy the amazing faith you have in Me.  I am here for you, just as I have been all along.  My child, you are loved!"

While what was written hurts, I am not mad.  I am sad for the person.  I am sad that this misguided attempt to hurt me and make themselves feel better took such a negative route.  I have prayed for this person throughout the day and I now ask that you do too.  I pray that this person learn that God doesn't punish us in the way they referenced.  I pray that they learn of the love, grace, and forgiveness that my Saviour has shown me.  I pray that the Lord will heal their hurt, just as He has healed mine after each pregnancy loss, after each heartbreak.  I pray that God will bless this person in the days, weeks, months and years to come.  I pray that their story can be one of faith, commitment to God and surrender to His will for their life, just as I strive for my life to be.

I beat myself up for a while about being too open with what is going on in my life.  Any of you who know me know that for the most part, I am an open book.  Good, bad or indifferent, my life is an open book for those who care enough to get to know me.  My life is my testimony.  If I don't share what is going in my life and how God is working in me, through me and on me, how will others know what and amazing God we serve?  I'm going to have to spend some time in careful prayer and consideration about having personal information out their.  So if I seem a bit more reserved, you will know why.

Lastly, I am very thankful for fellow attorneys who worked with me on the case.  The situation was handled with the utmost grace and dignity.  The comment was removed and we proceeded with the task at hand, ultimately concluding the case today.  No mud was slung and no further damage done to this family in desperate need of healing.  My colleagues are to be commended and a heart felt "Thank You" from me for the professional and kind manner that all was handled in today.

While my heart may hurt a little today, I KNOW WHO HEALS THESE HURTS AND I HAVE FULL FAITH IN HIM!!  Do you?

Rest . . .

"By the seventh day God had finished the work he had been doing; so on the seventh day he rested from all his work.  And God blessed the seventh day and made it holy, because on it he rested from all the work of creating that he had done."  Genesis 2:2-3

I can totally relate.  Rest.  I am longing for it.  I am craving it.  Rest for my tired mind.  Rest for a tense body.  Rest for a wounded soul that has spent countless hours listing, counseling, advising and grieving for other wounded souls.  After weeks like this, all I want to do on this Friday is rest.

"Remember the Sabbath day by keeping it holy.  Six days you shall labor and do all your work,  but the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your manservant or maidservant, nor your animals, nor the alien within your gates."  Exodus 20:8-10

I am longing to be in the House of our Lord!  With all that Jason and I have had going on of late, we have missed worship with our church family.  This Sunday, we will be able to worship together, as a family and with our church family, before Jason is off for his next round of training.  We are so looking forward to Sunday.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest."  Matthew 11:28

On this weekend, I am looking forward to clearing my mind and laying my burdens at my Savior's feet.  I a looking forward to resting, physically and mentally, enjoying the company and companionship of my wonderful husband before he has to be away from home.  This weekend and every weekend, I pray for peace, solitude, comfort, happiness and rest, for myself, my family and all of you.  If there are things that weigh heavy on you as they do on me after tough weeks, I pray that you know who to take your burdens to and that you too will find the peace and comfort that I have found.

Enjoy your weekend everyone, and REST!!

Fridays. . .

As someone who deeply desires to be a mom, Fridays can be tough on me.  I guess that is because Fridays always seemed so magical to me as a child.  Fridays meant sleepovers with friends, junk food, pizza, popcorn, the TGIF line up on ABC, movies, staying up late, giggling, football, fun and so much more.  You can often find me at some point on a Friday wandering the isles of Wal Mart or the grocery store with a cart full of chips, cookies, brownie mix, soda and goodies, all the while reminiscing about all of my fun childhood Friday nights.  When you see children with their parents, it is almost electric; that renewed energy you find now that the work and school week are over and you have two and a half days of rest and relaxation.  Responsibilities are gone and you can just let loose, be silly and have fun.

Fall Fridays are especially tough.  Now you add in the Pumpkin Patch, hayrides, bonfires, fairs, fall festivals, hot chocolate, pumpkin carvings and on and on.  Jason and I do our best to participate in all that we can, make our own traditions and memories, and enjoy the season.  But let's be honest, there is only so much we can do.  We love the Pumpkin Patch, but it is a little odd for us to be there not having a child.  This is just once example of many.  Most times we don't mind being the creepy old couple doing things that we enjoy, but sometimes it just gets to us.

I long to have brownies made on Friday afternoons as my child/children come home from school.  I long for pizza parties and sleepovers.  I can't wait to have a car load of kids loaded up and headed skating, to the movies, bowling, anywhere!  My childhood was magical in my mind.  My mom was good at the fun Friday stuff.  I had friends that we were always together on the weekends.  As I got older, that turned into high school football and cheerleading.  I long to help my son or daughter get ready for their games, whatever they may be doing.  I just know that I will be good at the fun Friday stuff too and seeing it going on all around me is such a bittersweet thing.  I am happy to see the wonder and excitement on the faces of children and know that Fridays are special in their hearts and minds too.  But my heart breaks and aches a little too.  It longs for those Fridays that I haven't had yet.  Those Fridays where I chase my toddler through piles of leaves, those Fridays where we stay up late to watch silly movies, those Fridays where we eat pizza, popcorn and junk food until we can't anymore.  I know parenthood is so much more than just Friday nights.  It's 24/7 hard work, the best full time job we can ever have.  I just sometimes cannot wait to be hired!!

Happy Fall Friday Y'all!!

What's going on lately . . .

Well, as most of you may have seen on Facebook, we have some exciting things on the horizon!

First,  Jason is set the end of October to go for his final training for his new position at work.  This is huge, because once he completes this, he will be a full certified bomb technician.  We also thought that he would have to wait until after the first of the year for this training, but it will really be a HUGE blessing that he gets to go now and get this behind him.  He will graduate December 6 and we are really looking forward to having some major down time during the holidays!!

All of this is contingent upon the government shutdown being resolved by October 21.  So if you were not already in prayer for our county and government, please start praying now!!

Next,  I will be going with a group from my law school December 2 to Washington, DC to be sworn in before the United States Supreme Court.  This is a huge honor and something I never would have imagined would that I would get to do or participate in.  Jason will be going with me and we will get to spend a few days in Washington together.  This is a first trip for both of us, so we are super excited!!  Of course, this also hinges partly on what is going on with the government shut down.

I have made the decision and commitment to participate in the Mercedes Half Marathon in February 2014.  This is a huge decision for me, as I am not professing to be a serious runner at all.  Thanks to a sweet friend, I have a training plan and I am going to do my best to fit it in our busy schedule to train for this.  Regardless, I am going to keep running and at this point, my goal is to finish.  I haven't really set a time goal for this yet, but I will as it gets closer to time.

Between work, home, running, and other obligations, Jason and I have literally been passing each other as we run here and there.  We both have more going on with work than we know what to do.  This week, I got the opportunity to meet with a sweet family going through a very trying time.  I share this with all of you to lift this family up in prayer, as I am doing.  The parents met with me to talk about their teenage daughter who is pregnant.  Their daughter is not in a serious relationship with the father of the baby and he is considerably older than their daughter.  Pray for me as I advise the family on legal issues and attempt to get them the spiritual guidance they all need.  They are good Christian people and have a good outlook, but this is extremely difficult for everyone involved.

As you all know, this is a heart wrenching topic for me.  I shared with the family my own personal struggles with fertility and my personal walk with God.  It is difficult to work through my own issues as I try to help this precious family work through theirs.  Please be in prayer for me, that God will use me to work in the lives of this family and that God will comfort me as I do so.  I know that this is not just about this family, it is somewhat about me too.  Pray for me that I will see what God is trying to show me, learn what God is trying to teach me and be molded into the person God wants me to be through this experience.

5th Anniversary

Yesterday, Jason and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary.  We have made it a custom to try to do something special together and for each other on our anniversary.  We like to take as much time as we can to pause, slow down, reflect over the past year and the year to come.  Some years we have had more time to do that than others.  On our first anniversary, we took a train trip to New Orleans and stayed at the Royal Sonesta in the French Quarter.  We dined at the Bombay Club and got all dressed up.

On the Train on the way to New Orleans, September, 2009.

Dinner at the Bombay Club.

On our 2nd anniversary, we celebrated a little closer to home, staying at the Winfrey (where we stayed on our wedding night) and at a Bed and Breakfast in Vincent.  We went to the Alabama game that weekend, as it was Katie's first game as a Crimsonette.  We couldn't miss that!

Jason and I with Katie before her first game as a Crimsonette and at a game last year.

On our 3rd Anniversary, we went back to New Orleans.  We drove this time and I booked a fishing trip for us to go red fishing.  We had our anniversary dinner at Emeril's.

These are pics of our dessert and our fish!  This was a GREAT trip.

On our 4th Anniversary, we were at the beach.  We spent a good bit of time last September in Gulf Shores as my parent had a house down there for the month.  We enjoyed the beach and ate our anniversary dinner at Louisiana Lagniappe.

This year, with scheduling and so much going on, we needed to stay close to home.  We spent the day in the Birmingham area running errands and just spending time together.  We tried to follow with tradition on gifts.  5th anniversary is wood.  Jason had a custom made wood ring made for me.   It has a pink accent that is from an extremely rare wood.  He hand made me a wooden ring box for the ring.  He also got me a wooden music box and flowers.  I got Jason wood working tools and supplies.  He now has a hobby lathe and drill press, along with tons of supplies to make things.

These are my prizes.

This is us all dressed up and ready for dinner.  We had dinner at Bottega in Birmingham.  All I can say is WOW!!  Our dear, sweet friends, Barry and Elizabeth had our waiter deliver a bottle of wine to our table immediately upon our arrival.  We were so surprised at the awesome, sweet gesture and it really made our night.  The food was out of this world and we were seated near some awesome people.  At the table to our left, a family was celebrating a gentleman's 85th birthday and at the table to our right, four friends were celebrating a new business launch.  Bottega had such a warm, friendly, family atmosphere.  We were treated to desert wine on the house as well as many other sweet gestures to make our evening special.  We reminisced over our time together, even getting to share stories with our neighbors in the restaurant.  It was a magical night and anniversary.  We will most certainly be going back to Bottega soon.

As evidence by the lack of posts to my blog lately, our lives have gotten extremely busy.  Jason is working most every Saturday, which is when I am off.  During the week, we have work, home, I try to run as often as I can, animals, and trying to keep in touch with family and friends.  We fail miserably at most of it, but we do our best to keep it all together and enjoy each day and its blessings.  We are blessed beyond measure to be able to take this one day to pause and celebrate our unique and special union.  

I pray that each of you find that once in a lifetime love with someone who is your partner, best friend and helpmate.  I would be so lost without Jason.  We have so much fun together going on elaborate adventures and doing nothing at all.  We have been through some ups and downs over the years and I know we have much more to look forward to, but as we reflected over the past year, it has really been a tough one.  This past year is possibly the most difficult that Jason and I have had.  But as we looked across the table at each other last night, as we look at each other each day, none of the negative comes to mind.  All we can do is smile, so happy and  thankful that we have each other to share all of this life with.  I pray each of you are this blessed as well.

It's all GREEK to me . . Food, that is!!

I am obsessed with all things Greek food.  Greek yogurt, Greek seasoning, Greek dips, Greek rice.  I'll admit, I am not a huge fan of lamb, but even that I can tolerate with all of the yummy goodness of Greek flavorings added to it!!

I love eating Greek when we go out.  Taziki's is always yummy and I love everything I have tried there.  Jim n Nick's has a fantastic Greek Salad that you can add their smoked chicken or turkey to.  I crave those often!  Full Moon also has a pretty good version of a Greek salad.  I know Birmingham has a plethora of Greek style restaurants and I am looking forward to trying them when we can.

Jason and I are pretty good tasters and can often duplicate what we taste in a restaurant at home.  We have made Taziki dip with the cucumbers, dill, yogurt and seasonings.  I haven't mastered Jim n Nick's Greek dressing, but I MUST!!  It is the best I've ever tasted.

Ok, so now that you know about my latest food obsession, I must tell you about a dish I made this week.  In Clanton, we have this fabulous new fresh meat and seafood market, B's Market.  If you live in Chilton County or close by, it is a must to visit.  I picked up two Mahi Mahi filets from B's, brought them home and marinated them in about 1/4 cup Annie's Naturals Organic Lite Green Goddess Dressing, 1/4 Plain, non fat, Oikos Greek yogurt, juice of one lemon, a heaping tablespoon Greek seasoning and a normal tablespoon dill.  I let the fish marinate about 20 minutes then baked in the oven on a baking sheet for about 20 minutes (until fish is flaky).  It was to die for!!  I would have eaten a whole plate if we had more!!  I served it with carrots cooked with a hint of dill and fresh pasta salad.

So, if you are like me and love all things Greek, try this out and let me know what you think.  If you aren't a fish eater, this would do just fine on chicken, turkey or pork as well.

Hope you enjoy!! Happy Eating Y'all!!

Draw me closer to You . . .

Ok, so I have failed miserably at updating the blog.  It's been about a month.  I started out strong and then just completely dropped the ball.  For those of you who were so excited to see this get started, I'm so sorry!!  I promise that it will not be months in between posts from now on!  My goal is to update once or twice a week.

That being said, much has happened since I last updated.  Of course the usual, work, court, church, doctor's appointments, family time, a quick trip to the beach (thanks to an awesome friend!) and, of course, the monthly 5k I've been trying to run.  All of this is just our usual routine,  just living our life.  But we have had another significant event happen recently and it is this event that I want to share with you.

The title of the blog mentions a fertility struggle.  While I'm not 100% comfortable putting all of this extremely personal information out there, I know I must if I am going to be true to the spirit of the blog.

During the week of July 4th this year, I miscarried my 3rd pregnancy.  I wasn't very far along, maybe 5-6 weeks.  No ultrasound had been done, just blood work.  I had several positive home pregnancy test and went to my doctor immediately for blood testing.  With the 4th of July holiday, summer time vacations and other factors, my doctor's office was short staffed and slow in relaying information, so I don't even really know what the results of the blood work were, beyond a positive pregnancy test.

This was the first of the the 3 miscarriages that I passed naturally instead of having a D & C to remove the pregnancy.  It was excruciating and horrible.  Jason was fantastic and those few friends and family that knew provided much needed prayer, support and strength.  You know who you are and we are eternally endeared to you!!

Jason and I took our time to grieve, cry, pray and discuss our options and the next step.  We had been discussing returning to fertility treatment or trying something new.  We opted to try something new.  By my definition, we are not "infertile".  We can get pregnant.  We have done it 3 times now.  What we need is someone to work with us on sustaining and maintaining a pregnancy for a happy and healthy 9 months.  After talking with friends and doing some internet research, we opted to go to the Reproductive Endocrinology group at UAB.  I made an appointment with Dr. Bates, one of the directors of this program and had my first appointment yesterday.  I sat in the waiting room and prayed before the doctor came in with me.  I prayed for him, for me, for the process.  I could not be happier with the decision we made to go with this group!!  They didn't immediately start by putting me on Clomid or some other type of fertility medication, which I was afraid of.  I am no doctor, but I knew from previous experience this was not what I needed.  Dr. Bates ordered tons of blood work.  One of these tests is a genetic test to check for a chromosome defect that might be at issue.  His plan of action to to start simple, work quick and be aggressive, but not to jump to a quick fix solution.  He truly seemed committed to finding out what the problem is.

All of this being said, I honestly feel the presence of my Lord and Savior by my side in all of this.  While I may not like what is going on, and Lord knows I am disappointed, I know He is giving me strength and wrapping me in His loving, peaceful arms.  I also know that the bond between Jason and me has never been stronger.  With each obstacle in our way on the journey to become parents, we are drawn so much closer to each other.  How can anything be that bad if it is drawing me closer to my God and closer to my husband?

I am so thankful for the blessings in my life, and I know that I do not deserve any of it.  I look at my husband sometimes and just reflect in amazement at what a wonderful person he is and how special our relationship is.  What in the world did I ever do to deserve him!?!  He keeps me grounded and focused.  His love and support for me in all things, especially the loss of these pregnancies, makes all the difference is keeping me focused on the blessings and maintaining a positive attitude.  It would be so easy for each of us to be bitter and angry, but we never let each other go there.  That's not our Faith, that's not how we believe, and that's not who we are.  And I am forever thankful that God blessed me with Jason to hold my hand through this and ALL of life's trials and struggles.  Thank you Lord for drawing us closer together and closer to You!